Apathy

So I'm watching this semi-documentary on PBS Monday night called "We Shall Remain" that is about Native American tribes, this particular one about the Cherokee in what is Georgia today. I am fighting mad at the injustice these people suffered because of settlers' pure greed and sense of entitlement to something that wasn't theirs. (I tend to do this when confronted with injustice, that is get angry not sad.) My husband, who can be quite wise, said that entitlement seems to have been around for a long time even though we tend to think it is a fairly new phenomenon. Today I'm thinking, was it a sense of entitlement that led Adam and Eve to take that fruit from the forbidden tree? Entitlement has at its very core the sin of pride. "I should have this, in fact I deserve this, because I am good enough. " We aren't though, are we? Today I am confronted with the fact that I am not good. I deserve hell. The horrible sin of pride has tightly wrapped its tentacles around my heart and I am having a hard time prying them off, perhaps because I often don't even care to try. When did I become apathetic?

I've been in a bit of a mood since Sunday when the guest pastor spoke about the five points of the Gospel. It reminded me that something isn't right. I am not fully surrendered to the call of Christ. There are things that I probably would do if I truely thought God was calling me to them, but it would be a fight and I don't know that my heart would be joyful in it. Somewhere along this journey I have lost the fire. It once burned so strong and now a flicker every now and then is about all there is. I don't feel like I am where I am supposed to be; not doing the things I'm supposed to be doing. I am off kilter. Now I pray this feeling stays so I do something about it instead of numbing or ignoring it as I have in the past. How do I number my days aright and prioritize my life accordingly? I hope you are not struggling with this, this dark night of the soul, although I'm sure we all do at some point. There must be light shining somewhere, right? I hope I order my life in such a way that I see it soon and begin to remember my first Love.